Maternity 33

week 25: chocolate

I’m having trouble keeping up with my blog routine: I suppose this is symptomatic of being back at work, and having less time for musings and writings. However, I will complete my 33 post challenge, and I will do so before my 34th birthday (October).

When you don’t seem to have enough time in the day and you need a “pick-me-up” to get from a busy morning to an active afternoon, I have one emergency remedy: very, very dark chocolate. In the depths of sleep deprivation, when baby was a few months old, I ate 100% cocoa chocolate after lunch, to fend off the inevitable coma, on days when I had no time for a nap. I always have 75% cocoa dark chocolate in my cubboards, for days when I come home from work and fear I may not have the requisite energy for evening play and bedtime routine.

Chocolate has experienced a revival in the United States, and San Francisco is home to many small manufacturers who delight at experimenting with new flavors and spices. So I have fun shopping for my emergency remedy. I also have fun hiding it from my son: I’ve resorted to burrying wrappers deep into the trash, placing chocolate on the highest possible shelf, sneak eating it while he plays or watches TV, etc.. I suppose life comes full circle: I recall spending inordinate amounts of time searching through my parents’ kitchen cabinets, on the look-out for hidden sweets!

Do yourself a favor: eat chocolate after reading this…

week 24: childcare for a sane life

Recently a pregnant friend asked me what I would recommend she does when she returns to work. Considering the endless days and nights I have spent musing over my childcare budget and needs, I thought I should write a blog post on this puzzle: how do you find childcare for your professional and personal needs?

First let me reiterate the question: professional and personal needs. Very quickly I realized that having someone watch my child(ren) only when I work was a receipe for disaster: even if I didn’t have a job, I’d need a break once in a while, and so do you. For me, this means 50 to 55 hours of childcare per week. Approximately 35 hours for work, another 6 for three evenings per week (we are at home too, we just don’t have to do it all on our own on the days where we return exhausted from a big office day), our weekly date night (5 hours), and anywhere from 5 to 10 hours of time to myself, to exercise, read, walk, or focus on one child only.

Obviously, 55 hours is a lot of time (and money). So here are ways I’ve found to make it work for us, and our caregivers:

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week 23: babysitters…

I am currently looking for someone to help with our children during the day. I’m not new to this, as I have been working with babysitters and nannies for over three years, and I feel that I have learned some essential lessons that may benefit first time parents.

First, I find that you have to train your nanny, no matter how much experience she has. This may be obvious to some of you, but you may also wonder what “training” really means? To me, it mostly means having your nanny shadow you for a week or so, and making sure she picks up on the routines and on the basics. I had a funny little “operations manual” which I used for both babysitters and friends/parents who wanted to watch our son. I found that it reassured them – though I also found that the best babysitters are those who can deal with the events that aren’t laid out in the manual!

 Second, you must find someone who can care for your children and look out for you. This means they have to empty the dishwasher when it is full, take out the trash on their way out, wash clothes when they are soiled, empty strollers, re-stock diaper bags, keep baby rooms and closets tidy etc.. This happens to be the stuff you do while you are caring for your children, and you should expect this from anyone who watches your child in your home. If they don’t do it, you will become exhausted and resentful.

Third, you don’t need to hire someone for life and actually it may be better to work with people who only have a year or two to give to your family. There’s better energy when you work with someone who is nannying temporarily, while they study, intern, or work on becoming an actor. They have passion and vision for their life and bring this to your home.

I was a little clueless when my son was born, yet, you don’t have to be as lost as I was.

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week 22: yoga

My first yoga class was in 1999 - that’s a long time ago. I’m no acrobat and I don’t do things that will make your jaw drop, but yoga has been a fixture in my life for longer than I can recall. I moved to San Francisco in part to live in a city that was a mecca for yoga and healing arts. I live within walking distance of 10 yoga studios!

I have what is called a “home practice” — i.e. I know how to make the time and space to practice yoga on my own, in a quiet room, on a lawn, or in a little corner of a hotel room. All I need is a mat (which travels with me, everywhere I go).

In my experience, yoga is essential to parenting. If anything, it’s a stress reducing technique, but it’s also a focus enhancing technique. And with all the multi-tasking you must do as a parent, I find that quiet moments spent concentrating on one activity are life savers.

Here are some tips on how to bring yoga to your life, or to the next level…

1) Just do it. Start with 10 minutes a day, or just doing child’s pose straight out of bed, when you stretch in the morning. Commit to one class per month. Do a 45mn routine once in a while, when you have a break from parenting, or life. If you do a little yoga every year, every month, every week, every day, it will, slowly become part of you. And then, there is really no turning back. It’s like swimming, skiing, walking — once learned, never forgotten.

2) Get a book, or read a magazine. Here are my favorites
Ashtanga Yoga For Women - Ashtanga is an intense form of yoga that takes you through a scripted routine 6 days a week, approximately 90mn a day. It’s not suited for parents, because I don’t know anyone who has that kind of time, BUT it’s great for getting a sense of how yoga can bring emotional stability and enhance your focus. Ashtanga was developed by men, for men, and some poses are just hard for girls. So this book bridges the gap between Ashtanga and women. And even if you are a parent, read it, to learn the basic standing poses - a 20mn sequence that is a great warm up for any work-out.

The Woman’s Yoga Book -  this is a much more versatile book which you can use at all stages of your life. It shows a few gentle sequences to deal with everything from mood swings to cramps. If you have 20mn of quiet time in a day, use it as a source of inspiration for the few stretches you will do.

Yoga Journal - I buy this occasionally, to fantasize about the yoga vacation I’ll take 10 years from now! On a more practical side, they have articles on anatomy and yoga sequences that provide immediate use!

3) Teach someone: it is well known that the best way to learn something is to teach it. Teaching takes many forms. It includes introducing someone to yoga. Ten years ago, I introduced my sister to yoga and she’s now a pro - her practice sustains mine because we can talk about it and share our discoveries. I’ve organized yoga classes for my parents, when we are on a family vacation. My husband and I have a new year’s tradition: we take a restorative yoga class on Jan 1st - it’s his only yoga class in the year, and it involves some snoring! Most recently I taught a 35 minute class to a set of executives at our annual board retreat - it was great to prepare the class and walk novices through basic stretches and breathing exercises. It felt as if I had a concrete life skill to share.

week 21: evening routine - amends

I’ve been told that when people disagree with you, they are more likely to comment on our your blog. This is proving to be true! 

1) we are experimenting this summer by having a live-in “nanny” for one month, who happens to be our cousin and is helping me go back to work. I deliberately did this to put a little “give” into our life and have some breathing room. We can’t do this long term, because our flat does not have an extra bedroom, but if it did, i would consider hiring an au pair. In the USA, an au pair costs $320 per week (you also pay her room and board), and can work up to 45 hours. This is considerably cheaper than any other childcare alternative for working parents.

2) Though we won’t have an au-pair this fall, I have learned something from the past few weeks. So, when our cousin leaves and our babysitter/nanny starts work, I am planning to ask him/her to stay till 7:30 three nights a week - on the nights when I have the longest days at work. 

3) My husband and i try to be home at 6:00 every night; this means we usually pick up our work again at 9:00, after kids are asleep and we have had dinner.

4) When in France, everything is shifted out by 1 hour at least, cause that is how everyone else does it.

5) So i did not mean to come off as “know-it-all”, “bottomless pocket”, “oh so organized”. I am just being very candid about one thing that seems to be working.

6) Also, I think I’m getting the sense from sharing all this candidly that I am just a more anxious parent than many of you must be. I don’t like doing bedtime routine all by myself, it stresses me out. But if I liked it, I wouldn’t be looking for ways to change the dynamic.

In any case, thanks for your comments

week 20: evening routine

It’s 5:30 pm and all hell breaks loose - parents are coming home from work (yes, in California we do make it home by then!), kids are tired, nanny wants to get out of there, dinner is not ready and everyone feels the pressure to catch up and “spend time” with everyone else. THIS IS NOT A LIFE! And this post is about how you can avoid most of the witching hour and truly enjoy these hours with your children.

If you work, chances are that 5 to 7 pm are your most reliable hours with your family. Colleagues aren’t sending out emails or asking for schedule changes, bags don’t have to be packed, phones aren’t ringing. Unfortunately, these hours can be very stressful if you don’t have a modicum of flow: i.e. if you are running from task to task without harmony, or time to breathe.

In our house, there’s always been set activities we try to perform each night (bath, dinner, books, bedtime for kids; dinner and conversation and relaxing for adults), but only recently have they started flowing together nicely. I attribute this entirely to a specific schedule we developed together and the acknowledgment that we need a third adult to help out. So our nanny now works till 7:30 pm.

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week 19: have fun!

 One of my 2010 resolutions is to have more fun with my children. I can lose sight of the “F” word when I am too focused on schedules and tasks and it is a shame because little ones provide so much opportunity for silliness, giggles and mischief.

Last week I brought my son to his first TaiKwonDo class. There is a studio in our neighborhood that takes children as young as three and we had been counting the days till his third birthday as this seemed like an activity he really wanted to try.

He is still in “trial” week and I’m not sure we will make the final cut-off (meaning we will have to come back when he is a little older), but it’s been so much fun regardless. Trying on the outfit, the headgear, bouncing on the mats, talking about it at night before going to bed.

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