week 8: what would Sacagawea do?
After last week’s post on the importance of schedules and the fear it may have struck in some parents who don’t have it together the way Amira does, here is something a little more humorous, written by “Mission Mom” - my best friend in San Francisco. In her posting, she applies the advice she received from numerous baby books to Sacagawea’s circumstances, as she led Lewis and Clark on their travels to the American West. Both Amira and Mission Mom and people I respect tremendously and their perspectives blend well into my own parenting philosophy: create a life that works well for your entire family (including yourself, the parent), and keep a sense of humor when things don’t go to plan. Unfortunately, I don’t really have a sense of humor, but my husband does!!
FYI: this is a picture of a Shoshone Indian Woman: not Sacagewea, but it shows you a woman carrying her infant.
Mission Mom: I have a baby boy who is nearly 4 months old. I, like so many other modern moms, have compiled an entire library of “how to” books for rearing babies: how to sleep train, how to feed, how to concentrate feedings in order to sleep train, how to ensure a happy baby with napping and sleeping, how to ensure a happy, healthy baby with nursing, how to ensure a happy baby with sufficient mental stimulation, how not to over-stimulate your baby.
What I love most about my library of baby literature is that they all contradict each other, and they all assert that if you fail to follow the exact formula that they tout, your child will be developmentally behind the rest of the genius babies at day care. I am generally not one for burning books, but in this case… got a match?
Not only that, but somehow they give these doctrinaire guidelines, but fail to really show you how to implement them. For example, when a baby is crying in bed in the middle of the night, one of my books urges me NEVER to pick him up. The book suggests that I should not even approach the baby, because I might end up waking him up more. Rather, I should let him “work through” those wakeful periods in the middle of the night. …unless of course the baby is hungry or wet. How on earth can you tell that a baby is wet if you can’t approach them, I would like to know. Another book says that you should go ahead and leave the baby if he is wet, but just not “poopy”. Again, it is hard to tell the difference unless you unswaddle, unwrap, etc. But don’t even get me started on the swaddle versus no swaddle debate!
My particular favorite series of books are those that urge mothers to create sensory deprivation chambers for their little ones, and claim that only sleep, flat on their backs in this chamber is deemed “good quality” sleep. Any sleep, outside of these parameters, that desperate mothers are able to eek out of their little one is pronounced “low quality” resulting in a chronically sleep deprived child who’s ability to learn will be adversely affected… forever. So, there we are, buying black out shades, noise machines, double paned windows… the end result, my little baby can’t sleep anywhere outside of his little cocoon. And me? I am trapped at home, looking longingly outside of my window for some hint of the world and the people in it, waiting for the 30 minutes between nap, feeding and another nap to race outside and taste the fresh air.
On one of these days, being trapped at home, I decided to watch a documentary on the Lewis and Clarke Expedition. Did you know that Sacagawea led the expedition with a newborn? Yes, she was toting little “Jean-Baptiste” on a cradle board, strapped to her back and took off for the coast 54 days after giving birth. First of all… What!!!! Second of all, can you imagine what kind of progress the expedition would have made if they had to stop three times a day, building light blocking chambers along the creek (for the soothing sounds of rushing water) in order to provide Jean-Baptiste with the right kind of restorative sleep? I am thinking that Lewis and Clark might not have made it to the coast after all! Of course, another book I read, would caution Ms. Sacagawea that strapping young Jean-Baptiste to the cradleboard would result in too much sleep and too little stimulation, once again poor Jean-Baptiste is doomed to mental mediocrity. And, while rivers, mountain ranges, and blue skies are all very pretty, what they really needed were some black and white contrasting graphics to truly engage this little tike.
After all of this, I am guessing that raising another human being is just a mystery that we must all solve independently. When I am frustrated because my little boy has decided that he will only sleep in a swing, I, of course, turn to the books for advice, but when it really comes down to it, I have to keep in mind, no matter what I do, the baby is probably going to be just fine. There is nothing new about what I am doing, I am just a member of the latest generation of moms… who have been raising babies since the dawn of time. I am sure that each generation had their own “raising babies doctrines”. I would personally like to know what Leonardo Da Vinci’s mother did… as he turned out alright. Of course, I suppose that brings up the vexed question of nature vs. nurture. Is anything I am doing going to make any difference at all, in the scheme of things? Who knows.
What is absolutely certain, while the baby books may be a relatively new trend, the advice in them is not new. People have been offering advice about babies since the dawn of time as well, I expect, and they still do. My friend’s El Salvadorian nanny has urged her to paint the tip of her daughter’s nose with lipstick to ensure proper eye tracking, and to carefully manipulate and massage the sides of the baby’s nose with olive oil to mold a perfect profile. I just love the image of this little girl staring solemnly out of her stroller glistening in olive oil with a bright red dot on her nose. In any case, the only difference between the nanny’s advice and that contained in the books, is that once the advice was published, suddenly it seemed to carry more weight. But when all is said and done… it is just advice! The fact that these books can offer completely contradictory methodologies and still ensure results only tells me that as long as you feed, clothe, cuddle and love your baby, everything else will likely fall into place. But that is just MY advice.
Sincerely,
Mission Mom
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