week 13: smart selfishness
I am certain you have heard people mention that the trouble with having children late in life is that you are comfortably settled in your adult routine and BANG babies come and shake it all up. Whereas in the good old days…
I’m not sure what I think about this argument, because someone in her thirties doesn’t seem so old to me, and I can’t imagine that it was much easier to have children in your twenties. In both cases you had plenty of time to develop a sense of self and your own set of needs. I tend to think that whenever you have children you are somewhat abruptly shaken out of your shell and have to redefine a self that includes devotion to little ones. In my experience, the best way for this is to practice what I call SMART SELFISHNESS.
A smart selfish individual is one who fits his needs into an otherwise busy family and career schedule. By doing so, the individual maintains a healthy sense of self and is thus able to commit to loved ones, and to a job for a lifetime, as opposed to burning out. Unlike a truly selfish person, the smart selfish person fits her needs into strategic openings in the family or professional schedule, generally going with the flow. Here are a few ways I’ve been smart selfish in the past few months.
SMART SELFISH TIP #1: Read while I breastfeed.
I’ve never heard anyone say that the best thing about breastfeeding is the fact that you now have time to catch up on your reading! That’s my favorite thing about breastfeeding. In the first 3 months of both my children’s life, they would take up to 45 minutes to feed 5 to 6 times per day, so these were scheduled, predictable times I could pick up a book or magazine and learn something new. This winter I read about the Tudor Dynasty in England, the spread of universal high school in 19th century USA, Feminism and Motherhood, about a book thief, and about an extraordinary man who builds schools in Afghanistan. I reconnected with my favorite publications and got to discover the magazines my husband reads. I read fairy tales to replenish my stock of bedtime stories.
Three years ago, I’d already figured out the reading while you breastfeed thing. But with my second child I had an IPHONE. Thanks to Apple, I got to check email, listen to podcasts of my favorite radio shows and conduct a rather impressive amount of business while feeding my daughter.
SELFISH VARIANT: When I am back at work my husband and I have a simple division of labor. As I am usually home 1 to 2 hours earlier than he is, as I manage the kids’ and the childcare schedules, he commits to being my back-up anytime something unexpected arises. This way I don’t have to change my professional schedule on short notice and can stay on top of my meetings and my projects. This is real selfishness on my part because I’m pretty inflexible about it.
SMART SELFISH TIP #2: Early morning yoga, after the first feeding. Once my babies started sleeping through the night, their best moments were often in the early morning after the first meal. They would be happy to lay or sit quietly for 30mn, sometimes one hour. This is the time i use to do my daily yoga. Sometimes, it’s just 10 minutes, to shake off the stiffness from a night of sleep. But other times i can get up to 30mn, which is a real pleasure. Baby keeps herself busy and I enjoy the energy of a new day, while all other adults are either sleeping or too busy with their own morning rituals to interrupt mine.
SELFISH VARIANT: I love to swim. I’ll basically ditch anything for a splash in cold water. In my pre-child life, I swam up to five days per week. During my PhD thesis years I swam one kilometer every day. Now, I swim once a week and I’ll never give it up. And when the kids need me less, I’ll swim more.
SMART SELFISH TIP #3: radical beauty rituals. As a child, I regularly dreamed about walking out the door without shoes, pants, or in some other compromising outfit. Recently I became angry because I had to rush out the door with a T-shirt that did not match the rest of my outfit. Granted, I was in Paris and tend to feel more pressure to look good there than in San Francisco, but I’m just using this story to say that I’m pretty serious about looking as good as I can every day of my life.
Yet I have no time for regular pedicures, hair dressers, shopping, wearing make-up or any other serious beauty habit. So I’ve developed my own smart rituals. I take really hot baths with my son and exfoliate weekly. He knows about masks and loofah… I’ve redesigned my wardrobe to only include clothes that work together. In the spring, for instance, I wear a uniform of colorful shirts (mostly Mexican or Guatemalan) and pants. When I’m on holiday, I have to pack light, so I usually pack only one color tone - so that I can create multiple outfits from a few pieces. And my most radical trick: totally change my hair care protocol. I used to go to the hairdresser every few months, got highlights and layers. Occasionally I’d even blow dry my hair. Now, I wash my hair as little as possible , cut it three times a year and haven’t died it in 5 years. And it’s never looked better. Incidentally, this is totally counter culture, as far as I can tell. Read this celebrity’s blog for an example of hair care that seems rather time consuming…
SELFISH VARIANT: I get a facial every six weeks, sometimes every month. I know amazing facialists in every city I have lived. Here are my recommendations for Paris (Gwenaelle in the 15th arrondissement, metro Vaugirard, 06 03 43 37 05; less than 50 euros) and San Francisco (Maiko in Hayes Valley, 415 307 3150, approx $100).
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